


*incomprehensible screeching* I HATE LOVE THIS, WHY ISN'T THERE A TAG FOR THAT

by worddumb



Series: An AU, I think? [5]
Category: Hermitcraft
Genre: Fluff and Humor, Gen, hopefully, i'm still very bothered by docs tag WHAt is it doing to my fragile mental state, my kitty is on my lap purring, so this work was blessed, will I ever use this as intended? no.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-30
Updated: 2019-09-30
Packaged: 2020-11-08 12:22:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20835395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/worddumb/pseuds/worddumb
Summary: I took how long to write this? Idk, but Rae? Enjoy, and I'm sorry. The rest of you can also enjoy, if you want, but like, no. Be gone from my first born child.





	*incomprehensible screeching* I HATE LOVE THIS, WHY ISN'T THERE A TAG FOR THAT

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RaeTheStar](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RaeTheStar/gifts).

It was a beautiful morning in the hippie commune- the sun dragging it’s warm tendrils gently and lazily across the land, reflecting of off mushrooms and dispersing in crisp and startlingly clean air, all quiet and serene- nothing was out of place, Docs horrid noise machine long dispatched by Impulse. It was like any other of dozens of mornings, except this time, Ren woke up with a plann…

… Well, it was less of a plan and more of an idea, but still.

Walking out of his, or rather, Renbobs van, he took a deep breath of air, excited about today and ready to set his genius notion into motion at any moment. He wasn’t expecting anyone to be around this early, so he didn’t notice Impulse sitting against his own, yellower vehicle and eating some beetroot soup until said man greets him, but when he did, Ren couldn’t help a slightly wolfish grin spreading across his face. First victim located! Man, this was gonna be a ton fun!

“Sorry, man, didn’t see ya there!”- a slight bounce in his walk, he ran up to Impulse, crouching just in front of the changeling, who still looked clueless to his heinous intentions- “Whatcha up to?” His poor victim smiled, so very oblivious, and responded in his usual upbeat tone: “Nothing much, really! I was planning to do something over at my base, but than again, everyone needs a day off, am-a right?” Ren really couldn’t help a devious smile, as he leaned in just a little bit more, still not seeing any signs Impulse might be onto him: “Yes, totally! You’re so smart!”- he caressed the changelings cheek as he spoke, rather exited for the moment aforementioned cinnamon roll realizes something was awry. Man, this was the greatest idea!

“Thank- oooh”- Impulses face went a little red, and Ren jumped up from his position on the ground in triumph, exclaiming ‘yes, baby!’ as he went stumbling back a step from the momentum. Meanwhile, the man he pranked? played? whatever? pocketed the bowl and looked up at him, unconvincing glare and more blush gracing his face: “Ren! I trusted you!” He only laughed in response, and changed the topic- some may call it cowardly, he calls it tactical retreat: “Sorry, my dude, bad idea! Anyway-“- he looked around, to emphasize the point- “have you seen Grian? I need to talk to him, about some hippie stuff?” 

The changelings face became serious (as serious as anything on the server, but still), getting another bowl of beetroot soup out, and then looking Ren in the eye: “I think he’s still working on his new project, over at the giant RV,”- he pointed a currently vine-like finger, with a small flower as a nail, in a vague direction- “I think?” That got a contemplating hum out of the shapeshifter, rather unsure if he should just leave a hella exhausted bug to Impulses rare, but strong ‘dad complex’, or go and get an easy victory. Oh, who was he kidding, he would do both! Transforming into a parrot- a cheaty ability, if you ask almost anyone ever- he rushed over to one of the highest points of the commune, where _something _was taking shape- he had no idea what yet, but considering how much time G was spending on the thing, it would end up glorious either way, so well.

Assuming his usual form just about a meter above the floor and landing gracefully (maybe he stumbled. it means nothing.) he, once again, felt a bit of awe at how fast G whipped around to look at the source of noise- anyone to ever play a game of catch with this rip off version of moth-man would loose at least eight times out of ten (8/10!!), and he couldn’t even use his wings in most cases! Well, not including the times people were stupid and tried to beat him mid air, or when he would be a bastard and challenge them to beat him mid air- the only one to ever come close to him in that regard was False and False was… False was too amazing for words. (and competitive, in regards of physicality, she’s been trying to one up Iskall in armwrestling for years and finally succeeded in the beginning of this season, ho_ly-_)

Ripping himself out of all the unrelated thoughts, Ren came up with a strategy- as bold as can be, while still being subtle- and went straight for the kill: “Hey there, G! Looking good!” The bugs face lit up, beaming a proud smile at him- not what he’d hoped for, but still nice- and said: “Thanks! I spent Absolute Ages on this!”- slapping the closest bit of slimy structure as he spoke. Wow. No, really, his hippie friends were all so oblivious and innocent, wow. Clearly, Ren’d have to change his tactics up, if he wanted anything done!

“I didn’t mean the build, now that I see it though- great job, man, coming along nicely!”- now there it was, what he was after, blossoming like a wild flower on the bugs tiny (no, really, everything about G was tiny other than his wings and eyes, and the latter weren’t exactly huge either) face! He was about to cheer and book it, when weeny little (aaaaaaaaa) arms came around him, squeezing way too tightly, and bright smaragdine eyes looked right into his soul as the teensy heathen smiled lopsidedly: “You’re very good as well!”

While the absolute, undeniable goblin went back to work and resumed his soft humming, Ren got himself busy having a stroke from cuteness overload- it’s not every day the bastard wasn’t being a bastard- until Impulses faint laughter from somewhere above startled the shapeshifter into fleeing with a lot of speed and no dignity. Holy smokes, if Grian could do something like this completely unaware, what inhuman power would he posses if he went on a game, similar to the one Ren was playing? Luckily, he was not likely to find out- G was never much interested in the entire, whatcha call it, flirting? thing- he really wasn’t sure, and at this point, he was too afraid to ask.

Interestingly enough- he thought, landing on the pavement near a giant trident pointing up high- the goblin himself would probably know, he did spend a lot of his alone-time scrolling through various manifestations of their fandom and bits and pieces of what he would tell from time to time really made the shapeshifter feel smart for not being much in it. People outside were crazy! And, if Gs random distresses were any indication, rude- if not to the bug himself, then to each other for sure.

Brushing a stray red feather of off his pants and dropping that trail of thought as unproductive and upsetting, Ren set out to the heart of Hermit-land, a small skip to his step and a lot of devious plans to his mind. It’s than, that a stray Doc plummeted into the ground right in front of him, an explosion of bright greens and no less bright yellows making Ren jump away, much to the germans’ delight. Well, there he had it- next target detected! 

Before he had any chance to speak, however, mean-and-green chimed in from where he sat on the ground, not bothered enough to get up after his little Xisuma-provided splash and opting to just rock back and forth, glaring at the shapeshifter from afar playfully: “So, not out hippieing today I see?” Ren widened his eyes slightly in realization, and, spotting a stray daisy on the side of the road, darted to it as fast as he could in a smear, tucked it nicely next to his ear, turning to face Doc again with his best impression of a certain someone: “Renbob’s always out hippieing, maan!” It got him a chuckle and a size-down, the german propping his head on a leg: “Well, that certainly explains the smell”.

Electing to ignore the rudeness, the shapeshifter beamed, almost dancing a bit closer to his, possibly(probably) suspecting, prey: “Thanks, man! It’s the flowers”- at that, he stopped, throwing a bit of hair back dramatically, careful not to loose the daisy and looking at the killing-machine-gone-wrong _just _so. Apparently, that was enough to warrant Doc to stand, now looking down on him from the hight of his, gloriously long, prosthetics as well as ‘I’m the boss, deal with it’ attitude- a relatively rare thing, so that was a win already- and say: “What are you playing at, man?”

“Oh, nothing”- edging a bit closer in the same, completely unassuming pattern, Ren kept his smile perfectly innocent- “nothing at all, so don’t you worry!” The german blinked down at him. Ren had a feeling he should be ashamed. It didn’t stop him from going further- if Doc, or any hermit really, was ever uncomfortable, the world would know- so he butted into the ever-open-to-the-world chest with his ears, stayed that way for a split second, before looking up: “Just being good citizens, sir! Helping the community, all that jazz”- trailing one hand to about the middle of Docs back, and flailing the other around to make a point before putting it on the cyborgs neck very, very gently, only fingertips actually touching the flesh- “so you should be thanking us, really!”

To Ren’s dismay, the german was showing about as much emotion as a rock- a very very smug rock, but still- and he sounded almost perfectly normal as he spoke: “So you definitely aren’t trying to break into area 77, with whatever”- he gestured with his flesh hand vaguely upwards and away- “that thing is?” Hmmm… That meant, it’s time to go with something a bit… Different, than. He’d already cracked Doc a little bit, he could tell by just the slightest way the cyborgs voice was off, so now, it was time for the big guns! Well, bigger guns, anyway.

Going with a perfectly friendly intonation, Ren stood on his toes, evening the hight difference out- not fully, he was waay too short for that right now, maaybe he’s adapted it from Gs effortless cuteness- and leaning close to Docs ear, lowering his voice quite a bit, but not at all his excitement: “Not at all, sir! We’re just hippies,”- he took the daisy, and tucked it safely behind said ear- “all we do is spread love!” He than tilted away a bit, the cyborgs sharp fingers gazing his back and darting away, the second they came in contact- sneaky, sneaky man, but not sneaky enough!- and looked at his handy work.

All in all, it was not very impressive- on the first glance, that is, thick skin and all- the germans face was perfectly neutral, and really, having this big of an eye patch on your only eye should be illegal, reading this guy was near impossible! But well, Ren knew his victim well enough, and the tiny crinkles of skin, where there weren’t supposed to be ones, were more than enough, so go for the kill he did! “Doc, are you blushing?” 

That was it. The cards were all played. Now, to see if it worked- just as he thought that, there was a load of murder-bot in his arms, trying to hide in the crook of his neck and grabbing onto him, like he was a life line of a very scared, oversized child, a soft half whine, half laugh telling him everything he needed to know. Success!

Giving some reassuring pats to the poor thing, Ren’s smile reached almost terrifying broadness- but really, can you blame him? If people could smile, with the only limit being their imagination, wouldn’t they? Anyways, back to the point- and, after a few quiet moments of total mutual understanding between the two, the shapeshifter smeared out of the embrace. 

“Okay, bye Doc!”- he skipped past the german, which promptly turned into running, after said cyborg asked, jovial as ever: “Wait, is this some sort of game? Did I loose?”- from somewhere behind him, making him burst out a haste ‘nope, not at all!’ and almost trip. As if to rub salt in the wound, that got him a happy puff of air from the german, before said bastard took off- and really, Ren begun to doubt this game was such a great idea after all, so far he’s only getting laughed at! Man, that was depressing. But, he would not bulge! 

With that thought, he continued on, almost passing Iskall’s ‘RUN’ by, when the man, the myth, the legend, Keralis01 himself got his attention, flying over the fence with little to no grace, grey shulker box in hand, rushing to put it down and go _again_, for what Ren presumed to be at least his 20th time. Well would you look at that, another target just painted itself!

Darting through the narrow gate, the shapeshifter placed a hand on the 10%-alien hermit’s shoulder, getting a startled jerk and a wide smile in return. He waited patiently (read: shaking in his boots) until the owl-eyed hermit turned on player noises, starting to talk the second they were above zero: “Hey there, man! Good to see ya!” Keralis chuckled, responding with a ‘hi!’ in that velvet-y voice of his, and Ren almost transformed into a power source with how over the moon he was to interact with him _properly_, jeez meeting new people was the best!

Composing himself, he went on to make some small-talk, before actually doing _the thing_: “So uh, how are many runs did you play already?” The 10%-alien (really, it was the only accurate way to refer to him) looked at his fingers, mumbling something to himself and using said fingers to count- probably not attempts, Ren refused to believe he got so much in so little- “More than 40, I think”. 

An awkward silence stretched itself between them. “Do you, by any chance, have a gambling addiction?”- it left the shapeshifters mouth, before he could stop himself, but luckily for him, it only seemed to humor the other: “What? No!”- he’s put a hand on Ren’s shoulder- “Look into my eyes and nothing but my eyes-“ Well, green light it was, than! Interrupting the 10%-alien right there, he said what was possibly the corniest thing in hermitcraft history: “Oh, I have trouble looking anywhere else”.

“Oooh, I see”- there wasn’t even a second between Ren’s statement and a completely understanding look on Keralises face, hand slowly traveling down the shapeshifter’s arm, a lot more gentle than it was just a moment before- Shit, SHit, SHIt, bail bail bail Bail oh Shit!

Face as red as a poppy, Ren didn’t even realize what he was doing, until he was at least two blocks away from the entrance- maybe he could develop a teleportation ability if he tried hard enough- and than waisted no time, running so fast he’d probably win some kind of an award if he could be bothered. He still had more than enough time, however, to hear a slightly mocking: “Bye! Love your face!”- and light up in flames. Okay, note to self- _never_ flirt with Keralis. Ever. That man’s dangerous! He didn’t even- he didn’t even **_anything_**!

Settling down behind a tree, Ren put himself out by releasing all his internal screaming into the palms of his hands. First Grian, now the old-new guy, what’s next? A hamster? Aaagh, the hermits were too good at this! Lightly banging the back of his head against wood a few times for good measure, he fell limp, opting to just chill for a few minutes before continuing on his quest- a small failure, such as lighting on fire through the means of getting flustered, would not stop him! Well, maybe he was just being stubborn, but that really didn’t matter, did it?

Spacing out, Ren failed to notice a stray False Symmetry approach his terrible hiding spot, so he was utterly startled when a cheeky ’are you okay?’ reached his ears. Snapping out of it, he noteda hand on his shoulder- that same shoulder, coincidentally- and a no less cheeky smile right above his head. Making sure he was awake with a knowing smirk, False brought up her other hand: “See, chat? He’s fine!” So, she was streaming! Sweet! He was pretty sure half the people he met were at least filming, but this- oh, this was glorious! “Awww, they care about me? How sweet!”- really, he did appreciate the sentiment, even if he was gonna be a butt about it. The hybrid, meanwhile, went to ruffle his hair: “Of course they do! Why not?”- wow, condescending as ever, she really gave off a ‘asshole older sibling’ vibe right now. Maybe, he could bring her down accordingly!

“Unlike you, clearly”- that got her to lean in a little, a challenging look on her face: “What makes you say that?” Yes! His master plan was working out! Grabbing her goggles, he smeared beneath her, breaking into a sprint right away- gee, that was a lot of running for one day- laughing like a maniac, and absolutely living for an indignant ‘hey!’ behind him. God this was the greatest idea!

Weaving around Hermit-land like a mad squirrel, Ren kept on evading any and all attempts False made at capturing him for quite a while- probably about five minutes or so, very impressive considering who he was up against- until sharp claws dug into his shoulders, making him fall backwards for the queen of heads, hearts and body parts to hold down with one hand, while the other went to retrieve her goggles. None of that mattered to Ren, however- she was flushed, and smiling, and what more can he ask for? Wait, he could ask for more! She was the palest one so far, and he didn’tt follow his own rules, this just wouldn’t do! That probably shown on his face, because the hybrid set up, hands on her hips, and asked: “What?”- in the most unconvincingly angry tone ever. And there he had it! An opportunity!

Reaching up with his hand and cupping her face gently, dragging along the jawline and down, Ren smiled in a way, that had never failed him: “Nothing, Falsey!”- he closed his eyes, knowing full well it got every hermit where it counted, maybe he should try it with Keralis someday- “Nothing at all!” Peaking from beneath his eyelashes just a little bit, he saw a face, that was almost an exact replica of his own throughout the day, which means a _very_ vibrant red- YES! Yes, he got it! With that, he let his arm drop onto his face, giggling from the job well done.

Meanwhile, False’s chat went wild with all sorts of messages, and when both of them turned to check it out, Ren already knew he was screwed- a 20$ donation, that simply said ‘SLAP’ in a fancy font was shining brightly at the top of the screen, and sure, ‘friendship’ is great and all, but 20 dollars is 20 dollars. His philosophy was confirmed, when the queen raised her hand high, and brought it down _fast_\- only to barely tap his cheek. Well, maybe not barely- he took half a heart of damage- but her cat-like claws did’t come even close to breaking his skin, so that was something!

Shifting away from the hybrid, Ren threw in a hasty ‘bye, False!’ before running off once again- no, really, he never ran as much in his entire life as he did today and it was barely noon- very pleased with himself and a flustered mess he’s left behind. 

Slowing down after about a minute, he spotted Python, loosely wrapped around the branches of a huge oak, unmoving and probably asleep- it was a bit hard to tell, no eyelids and all- and if there was one thing he’d never do, it was wake the snake up, especially with something like this. Still, Ren was very curious wether or not the servers resident noodle was actually out cold, even if he wasn’t gonna do anything about it- so he flipped open his communicator, setting out to find the truth at (nearly) all costs!

Unsurprisingly, the main chat was a mess, filled to the brim with Cub and Doc arguing, what was Scar-safer- area 77 or ConCorp headquarters- for some reason. Well, it’s not like he can’t spend some time figuring said reason out! Really, it was getting pretty heated, whatever lead to this must be glorious-

And glorious it was- an entire argument, that included Scar proclaiming the entirety of season six not-Scar-safe and demanding Xisuma to fix it had sprouted from nothing, but a noise complaint from said cat! And from what Ren gathered, current tug of war wouldn't end any time soon either- the amount of unread messages he had after just about five minutes of scrolling was almost terrifying, what with the thing acting as the rope edging both parties on. But whatever, he’s finally found what he was looking for in this mess and now was free to go gather some more hermits under his belt! Oh, he could ask Joe if it’s possible to post this little recording of his, maybe on patreon or something, the fanbase would go nuts-

Just as he was going to bounce off and find someone else to bother, a loud, exited ‘ey Ren!’ distracted him from that noble goal- prey came to the hunter, or so it would seem. Smiling and turning to the source of sound, he saw Cleo, violently waving her hand at him, and almost felt bad for what he was about to do. He could also ask about Keralis- no, he wasn’t at all salty, that’s just ridiculous, cease your accusations at once!

Running down the hill to meet the zombie and tackling her in a hug, that sent them both falling on the pavement, Ren made sure to nuzzle into the crook of her neck with his forehead before sitting up, both of them giggling giddily: “Hi”- the zombies eyes twinkled, as she spoke, a mess and ultimately delighted- “Haven’t seen you in a while! How’ve you been?” Now having to stop a smile from splitting his face in two, he answered with a simple ‘Great! You?’ and leaned in, ready to get this one over with in record time for no particular reason whatsoever, no really stop laughing-

Cleo smiled, happy to talk: “Pretty good, actually! I was just, getting some inspiration, playing some games, you know the stuff”. Okay, there wasn’t really an opening, he’d have to improvise (he wasn’t rushing this one at all, no sir!)- so he leaned in further, putting on _the_ face, and- and really, he could call it mission accomplished from how the zombies eyes widened,and while Cleo may not blush, she at least had the decency to be pretty easy to read, unlike _some_ people. Going back to his normal, exited grin in a flash, Ren butted the zombie again to share some of his triumph, and she seemed to understand perfectly, hugging him in retaliation, chuckling softly: “You sly, sly dog! I can’t believe I fell for that!”- well, he could, she wasn’t even trying! The nerve! Well, for once it played into his scheme, so HA!

Sitting back up and getting of off the zombie, he plopped down on the sidewalk-fence thingy next to the green vehicle thingy, cross-legged, and went for what he initially wanted to discuss: “So Cleo, my dearest most beloved great friend, can you tell me about Keralis? I need to get back at him for something”. Already sitting up as well, she tilted her head, eyes twinkling dangerously and smile resembling a smug cat: “What, did you try to woo him like this?”- taking his remorseful silence as an answer it was, she burst a bit, covering her mouth with a hand and than creeping up and settling next to him, head going to rest on his shoulder: “You gotta be smarter than that, to get him, not like I’d know how, of course”

Ren made a face of a child, that’s just learned Christmas wasn’t coming, and leaned away to face the zombie, who just stared back at him with a serious look: “So this”- he laid his head on her knees, nestling comfortably and feeling a hand on his ear (which he didn’t mind, Cleo gave the best ear scritches)- “wouldn’t work?” Oh, the evil duality- while the hand on his ear made him practically melt, the undead’s words did nothing for his poor, poor nerves: “It wouldn’t, no. That would not work”- she sounded like a doctor, who was trying not to laugh at the diagnosis. Rude.

Rotating a bit to lay on his back, the shapeshifter looked at her face, before shutting his eyes and putting on a relaxed expression- which would otherwise be hard, but the scritches made it work: “And even this? Awww, man, what do I do-“ “Oh, you’ll come up with something! I believe in you!” at that, she pinched his cheek like an old lady and made a very appropriate face, getting a startled, but genuine laugh. They needed to hang out more, Cleo was so fun!

Like all good things in the world, their banter didn’t last long- just as Ren was giving another evil-in-the-face-of-Keralis-defeating idea, a loud, urgent ping came from both their wrists.Weird- last time he checked, they were having a catty fight, that had nothing to do with neither him or Cleo, why in the world?.. The zombie, it would seem, had a similar thought, going to check her communicator with confusion written all over her face- seeing it for himself, Ren could certainly say it was at least worth it.

[ https://youtu.be/bzeJUil04FU ](https://youtu.be/bzeJUil04FU)

*_PythonGB_*hey @_Keralis01_! i’ve heard @_ZombieCleo _and @_RenTheDog _are conspiring against yo!

*_Keralis01_* oh:(

*_RenTheDog_*i thought you were asleep!

*_Keralis01_*I understand ren, he’s new

*_PythonGB_*the mafia never sleeps, ren

*_Keralis01_*but cleo? don’t love your face. not pretty.

*_ZombieCleo_*sorry :P

**Author's Note:**

> I'M SPREADING A PLAGUE THROUGH LINKS!   
If you made it this far, I thank you, you are now under arrest for owning a slave. I really did love writing this, even if it killed me multiple times and dessimated the corpse. Yeah, that's not a word. Do I look like I care?


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